What If?

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder. Sometimes, there are only What If's and If Only's.
It's a terrible thing to be thinking of. It can eat you alive. It can reduce you to something you never imagined you could become. It can force you to do things that you never imagined you would, or could for that matter. What If's are my favourite pass time. Honest. They help you get by on a friend-less day, and they can bring you down and leave you there in that void, on a friend-less day. I absolutely love them. And I absolutely detest them. That's the magic of it. What If I'd been in one school all my life? What If I'd never left Madras? What If I'd spoken my mind when I should have? What If I hadn't yelled? What If I'd never met some of the people I consider my own? What If I hadn't read that book? What If we hadn't fallen apart? What If I'd tried harder? What If? What If? What If? It's driving me insane. I love it. I hate it. One particular What If has been haunting me for a while now. I'd like to talk about it, if you will.
I had this friend once, at least *I* felt that way. It was back when it was 'cool' to be on Yahoo! It was when I had big expectations and aspirations for college. It was when these were crushed and all I had were a handful of friends and the internet. It started how all friendships start. How all relationships begin, for that  matter. I cherished it. I built a castle of What If's around it. We had so much in common. We had nothing in common. I learnt loads from it. I was so thrilled to make a friend - a friend, who previously, even though our paths crossed, I hadn't spoken to, until later - I wrote in my journal about it. A friend, who was actually interested in the mundane-ness of my life. I lapped it up. I logged on, every night, night after night, to talk to this being who seemed to be interested, who seemed to give a damn.
Maybe, it was meant to last only so long. I'd like to say Thank  You. I wish we'd kept in touch. I wish you weren't just another 'friend' on my 'friends list' on Facebook. Even though it seems like we'll do just fine without ever crossing paths, sometimes, I wish I'd addressed it to Matthew Perry.